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Season’s Greetings

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During these short days and long nights (in the Northern Hemisphere, that is) may you take time for quiet reflection, contemplation, rest, self-care. It can be a busy and fairly stressful time of year—completing projects, celebrating, traveling, grieving, healing, and simply taking care of everyday life⁠⁠. Recharge!

In the midst of wherever you find yourself, may you take a moment to pause. And to that end, please enjoy this 

Happy Holidays and wishing you well as the season turns and the calendar advances. 

_______________

To learn more:
  • YouTube for guided mindfulness practices and talks about stress, the brain, and the body

7 Life Lessons from my 98-year-old Mother

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I spent a few weeks with my mother recently as she worked her way back from some health challenges. She also turned 98 during that time. Her determination, vulnerability, and vitality inspired me, as it has many times prior when she’s come back from serious health challenges and life changes. She is tender yet vital, vulnerable yet determined, and for the most part, lucid and playful.

I’ve watched her change, slow down, embrace a different way of life, and continue to thrive. Thankfully, aging happens gradually (if an illness doesn’t grab you and take you down) because getting old is not easy and we need time to adjust.

As the 6th of her 8 children, I’ve learned some key lessons from my mother – some she’s stated explicitly, though most I’ve gleaned by her behavior.

I’d like to share some of the key lessons I’ve learned from her. I hope they inspire you to some degree.

* * * * * *

Lesson 1: Letting Go

My mother is the 14th of 16 children. At 98 years old, she has done a lot of letting go. She has said goodbye to many loved ones – her husband, her oldest son, her parents, her siblings, and many, many other beloved family members and friends. In addition to letting go of people, she has had to let go of activities and ways of being, like driving and volunteering with a number of organizations. 

Being with her recently in ICU, then in palliative care, we sat with uncertainty as to whether she was going to live or not. She was not, and is not, afraid to talk about death – the ultimate letting go. She made jokes along the way and cried as well. We’ve been at this juncture a number of times in the last nearly 10 years. We’ve said goodbye and shared our deep love and appreciation at those moments when life felt tentative. We continue to do so, knowing anything can happen at any time.

Being in her presence and caring for her at this tender time of life, I come closer to the reality of death – the fears, the challenges, the changing physical needs, the vulnerability, the softness, the humility, the unknowing. We all face the ultimate letting go, and can practice the little ways to let go along the way.

Lesson 2: Start the Day with Intention

Recently, after walking from her improvised “chapel” in her bedroom, she said with warm certainty,  “Terre, it’s good to be quiet and pray first thing in the morning.”  While prayer may not be your thing, anyone can start the day with quiet contemplation and focused intention.

I’ve watched my mom pray since I was a child and have seen how her spiritual life strengthens and comforts her. Since she can no longer drive to church every morning, she starts each day watching mass on her iPad. When I’m with her and she’s watching the mass, I sit alongside her in my own way, with a mindfulness practice that feeds me.

From watching her integrate prayer and spirituality into everyday life, I’ve learned the importance of creating a contemplative practice first thing in the morning to connect, reflect, give thanks, and prime myself for the day ahead.

Lesson 3: Be Kind

“We always strive to be clean on the outside, but we need to work to be clean on the inside”, she said to me recently. I asked what it looks like to be “clean on the inside.” “Be kind. Be kind to people,” she replied.  So simple, but not always so easy.

She also gave me a personal note not to curse, adding, “When you feel like cursing, say ‘Help me Lord.’ While “Lord” may not resonate with everyone, and doesn’t with me, I substitute “love” and that seems to work. “Help me love.”

heart

Lesson 4: Enjoy Life

My mother loves life and people. She’ll talk with nearly anyone and inquire sincerely about their wellbeing. She loves to laugh and usually has a joke prepared, or just a funny way of seeing life. She makes the nurses, doctors, friends and strangers smile or outright laugh.

She lives in Ohio, where I was raised. I’m in California now, where I’ve lived most of my adult life. We talk on the phone daily, and as we prepare to hang up, she says one or all of the following: “Enjoy life,” “God bless,” “Mama loves you,” “Bye for now.”

Lesson 5: Be Patient

She has patience down. Whether it was innate or something she cultivated by having 8 children, her patience is fully developed. When she used to drive us to appointments as kids, we’d often have to sit in the car or the lobby, waiting for one sibling or another. I never remember her complaining that she had to wait. In fact, she now reflects on those times with pleasure. We just found things to do as we waited.  

Patience is not one of my strong suits. When I reflect on my impatience with her, I see that underneath my impatience is fear – fear that she can’t do what she used to and fear that I may not be there to help her when she needs it. I fear for her vulnerability. With that I take a deep breath, trust in what’s to come, knowing I’ve done and continue to do all I can.

Lesson 6: On Motherhood and Forgiveness

“I loved being a mother and I did my best. I’m sorry if I ever hurt you. I’m sorry for mistakes I made.” She readily admits ways in which she feels she “wasn’t perfect” as a mother, and how she would make some different choices in present day.

I remind her that perfection is overrated, and I also appreciate her apology.

Lesson 7: Lifelong learning

And last but not least, she reminds me of the importance of lifelong learning. She started playing the piano in her 80s, painting in her 90s, and she stays open to the many cultural changes she’s seen in nearly a century of life.

She is also a fan of my work (Bias? Yes, perhaps :)) and is always happy to try a meditation practice, with openness, curiosity, and encouragement.

She has said the following since I was very young: “You never stop learning until you rest your head on that satin pillow.” I hope to always try and expand my mind, be open to changes, and learn from what might initially worry or scare me.

* * * * * * *

In Closing

mom walking with cane

I’ve heard most of my mom’s stories at this point, but when she is thinking of something and asks, “Have I ever told you this?” I say, “Perhaps,” (not always knowing what the “this” is) “but I’d love to hear it,” I add. I’m eager to hear her stories, watching her light up as she recounts parts of her long life.

We all have stories to tell. May you have the opportunity to tell yours. And may you take time to listen to the stories of others.

* * * * * * *

Update, 2022

My dear mother, Peg (Augusta) Passero, passed away on May 19, 2022. She lived a vibrant, long and beautiful life full of love. We are beyond grateful for her and will always feel her in our lives, hold her in our hearts. Her obituary is here.

_______________

To learn more:

  • YouTube for guided mindfulness practices and talks about stress, the brain, and the body

Recharging the Brain and Body

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Gallup reported that 63% of employees across 142 countries are disengaged. And the World Health Organization recently identified workplace burnout as an occupational phenomenon caused by workplace stress. The human body, brain, spirit can’t sustain this level of stress.

What you do matters.

We’re at a critical time and can, must, turn this around. It is imperative that business leaders take action to support the engagement, growth, and wellbeing of individuals. And simultaneously, each of us must take action to recharge, to optimize our own wellbeing, health, and engagement.

Writer Annie Dillard said, “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.”

How are you spending your days? 

Showing up fully, with our heart and mind engaged, contributing the best of what we have—in and out of work—takes conscious effort. And cultivating a practice to recharge the brain and body, for even for a minute a day, can support that effort. Of course, we may need to reassess our work and demands as well.

Just like we charge our phone, and might panic when it’s down to  3%, we need to recharge our brain and body.

victory icon in a white circle

Give yourself time to recharge throughout your day. Schedule it in, even if for 1 minute. There are lots of options. Try one consistently for a week and see how you feel. Try another. Take what works, leave the rest.

Try it! Recharge your Body and Brain

 * Move. Even standing up and stretching your arms up in the air increases oxygen to the brain and body.
* Eat healthy food with awareness. See, taste, smell, appreciate what you’re eating and where it came from. 
* Focus. Focus on what you’re doing when you’re doing it. Consciously turn off distractions (texts, email, news) for a period of time. Try a period of time (5 minutes) and extend from there. 
* Connect. Reach out and say hello to a friend, loved one, colleague. Write them a letter. Go for a walk. 
* Be kind. Give a compliment, let a car go ahead of you, smile at a stranger. Give the benefit of the doubt. 
* Say no. Sometimes clearly and kindly saying no is the best way to say yes to yourself. 
* Take a mindful breath. We breathe roughly 20,000 times/day. Take a minute to feel your breath moving in and out of your body, as it is. Helps to calm the nervous system. 
* Sleep. Remember that sleep reenergizes the body’s cells, clears waste from the brain, and supports learning and memory.

Try POP: Pause, Observe, Proceed

You can build a consistent practice proactively, in advance of overwhelm (when you’re 75% charged) as well as when you feel overwhelmed or depleted (10% charged). 

See Mindful Stress Management for more information, tips, and info about workshops for your organization.

Visit and subscribe to my YouTube channel for guided practices. 

Holiday Stress Busters: 5 Tips

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It’s that time of year again! Autumn and . . . oh no, the holidays! How did they get here again, so quickly?!

This time of year is a mixed bag for me. I love the short days and long, cozy nights, the cool, fresh air, the colorful leaves floating from the trees, the deep blue sky. But then there are the holidays. The hustle and bustle begins to rumble; expectations rise. I’m not a huge fan, I admit. (Please, don’t hold it against me.) But I must contend with them — find the pleasure

I have to be careful to strike a balance between the quiet, contemplative time the season inspires in me and the social, celebratory nature that keeps things noisy and active. Even if you love the holidays, you still need to take care of yourself in the midst of it all. Our routines may change, we may travel, eat differently, see family members or others that we don’t see during the year. This can be both wonderful and sometimes challenging. Expectations are high, yet they may not (usually don’t) match reality.

It can help to pay a little extra attention to signs of stress and get ahead of them or manage them (manage ourselves) so we can stay healthy in mind and spirit. These tips can help.

Five Stress Busters

1. Take time to appreciate what you have; identify what’s working. Name it, take it in with all your senses. Appreciation activates brain regions associated with dopamine, a neurotransmitter that makes us feel good and makes us want more of the thing that made us feel good. So the appreciation loop feeds itself.

2. Take breaks to do what gives you joy and calm. What is it for you? A walk, exercise, singing, resting, breathing, drinking a delicious cup of tea, spending time with a child, a pet, a loved one, getting out in nature? Whatever it is, find a moment to cultivate self-care and to connect with yourself. It will help  you care for and connect with others as well. It’s cliche but true, the line you hear on planes, “put your own oxygen mask on before putting one on a child.” Well-being is a skill — we need to practice it!

3. Practice mindful eating, or a mindful bite. We may find ourselves sharing more meals with more people at this time of year. If overwhelmed, you can find a moment of calm and deep appreciation right at the table. Try taking a bite (or 2 or 3) with mindful awareness. Simply notice what’s on your plate. Is the food from a plant, an animal?  Notice colors, textures, smells, and even sounds. Notice putting food on your fork, lifting it to the mouth, chewing, tasting, and swallowing. And notice, if you’re like most of us, that there will probably be food on its way to the mouth while you’re still chewing! Smile at it all. Be easy on yourself.

4. Smile at someone you usually walk by — a cashier, a delivery person, a neighbor, a flight attendant, or any number of people we may see and even interact with, but don’t really acknowledge. See the humanity in others and share a smile. It matters. It makes both parties feel better. Smiling can reduce stress!

5. Reach out to someone you know who might be having a rough time. Say hello, offer your help, your time, a meal, a walk, a conversation. Listen fully and with an open heart. Sometimes that’s all it takes to help someone feel better, connected, cared for. The best present you can give is your presence! (OK, cliche, but I like it and believe it.)

holiday image with pine

_______________________________

Mindful  by Mary Oliver

Every day
I see or hear
something
that more or less

kills me
with delight,
that leaves me
like a needle

in the haystack
of light.
It was what I was born for —
to look, to listen,

to lose myself
inside this soft world —
to instruct myself
over and over

in joy,
and acclamation.
Nor am I talking
about the exceptional,

the fearful, the dreadful,
the very extravagant —
but of the ordinary,
the common, the very drab,

the daily presentations.
Oh, good scholar,
I say to myself,
how can you help

but grow wise
with such teachings
as these —
the untrimmable light

of the world,
the ocean’s shine,
the prayers that are made
out of grass?

 _______________________________

BONUS STRESS BUSTER  You made it to the end of the blog! Here is a bonus tip:

Take a break in the bathroom! (What?!) YES! Sometimes at a gathering or party, the only place you can be alone is the bathroom. If are feeling anxious, overwhelmed and just need to gather yourself, an easy exit is to make your way to the bathroom. Nothing unusual there. Then simply feel the breath moving in and out of the body. Take 3 slow cycles of breath. This can kick in the relaxation response and calm anxiety.

 _______________________________

May you find comfort, ease, love, and rest in the midst of the season. Be sure to take good care of yourself,  be gentle with yourself and others, and keep curiosity and gratitude alive!

_______________

To learn more:

  • YouTube for guided mindfulness practices and talks about stress, the brain, and the body

Practice the Relaxation Response

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A new season is just around the corner.

Fall can be a wonderful time to slow down, notice what’s changing around us, and take in something pleasant. Even a brief moment of noticing what feels good can support the relaxation response and help calm the nervous system.

That alone can help support the relaxation response.

Fall in Ohio, where I grew up, is a shower of colors and cool, refreshing air—Mother Nature’s reward after a hot, humid summer. When I was a kid, we lived next to a school with a big sports field, so fall was also accompanied by the sights and sounds of young teens having football practice. They seemed to double in size in their football uniforms—big, bulky shoulder pads, jerseys, and helmets, running and grunting as they tackled each other to the ground.

I feel nostalgic when I see kids practicing now on the football field near my home.

Fall is here in the San Francisco Bay Area, though with a more subtle touch than what I knew as a young person in Ohio. This is such a rich time to notice changes in the environment. You can feel it—in the air, the light, the colors, the foods at the market.

And we might notice changes within ourselves since we are, after all, a part of nature. Perhaps you’re going to bed a little earlier, feeling a shift in your energy, or noticing changes in what you want to do with your time.

Take a moment to pay attention to the changes and invite curiosity about what is here.

Notice What’s Pleasant

I encourage you to notice the season’s changes and take them in through all your senses—smell, taste, touch, sight, and sound. Play. Get outside. And notice what’s going on inside as well.

Noticing moments of pleasure can support the relaxation response. Even in the midst of challenge, we can see a moment of what’s working, what might be going well, or something we appreciate.

This doesn’t mean denying the challenge. It means recognizing that the challenge is not all there is.

When we notice a pleasant moment and allow ourselves to stay with it, we give our attention a chance to rest somewhere other than the source of stress. This can help calm the nervous system and support our capacity to respond to challenges more skillfully.

Relaxation Response: Try It

  • Pause and notice your environment.
  • Rest your attention on something pleasant—a tree, a picture, a sound, a bird, a smell, the sky, or anything else that catches your attention. If nothing shows up, don’t push it, just acknowledge your experience.
  • Stay with it for a few cycles of breath.
  • Notice sensations in your body, along with any thoughts and feelings that arise. Then, if it feels pleasant, stay with the experience for about 30 seconds.
  • Then proceed—take your next step with clear intention.

This is a simple mindfulness practice you can use anytime you need a moment of stress relief. You don’t have to change what’s happening. Just pause, notice, and allow yourself to take in what’s already here.

 

More Mindfulness and Stress Management Resources

  • YouTube for guided mindfulness practices and talks about stress, the brain, and the body

3 Benefits of Mindfulness

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After sifting through 6,000 peer-reviewed articles on meditation and identifying 60 key, solid studies, Daniel Goleman, author and science journalist and Richard Davidson, neuroscientist, confirmed three benefits of mindfulness: focus, connection, resilience. They wrote about it in their book: Altered Traits: Science Reveals How Meditation Changes your Mind, Brain, and Body. And Goleman simplified it in a post: “3 Science-Based Benefits of Mindfulness“.

3 Key Benefits of Mindfulness

1. Sharpens focus so you can prioritize and attend to life with attention and clarity.

“Mindfulness strengthens concentration, and every related aspect of attention from keeping your mind on one thing amidst a sea of distractions, to being more present to what’s going on around you.” Daniel Goleman says in his article. The neural circuitry for selective attention of the brain can be trained. The pathways in the brain are reinforced by what we think about. Where our attention goes, energy flows.

2. Strengthens connection to yourself and others, enhancing emotional intelligence.

Goleman goes on to say, “A cousin of mindfulness, lovingkindness meditation, makes you more open to the needs of the people around you, and more likely to help them out. This kind of leadership builds great loyalty, so people will feel they want to do their best for you, and show up even when the pressure and stress are mounting. When I ask executives around the world to name the traits of the boss they have liked the most, kindness always comes up high on the list.”

3. Builds resilience so you can recover more quickly from events that may throw you off balance.

Challenges are a part of life — sometimes exciting and sometimes downright awful. Resilience is the capacity to recover quickly from challenges and difficulties. “Mindfulness and other kinds of meditation calm the amygdala, the brain’s trigger for anger, anxiety, and a host of similar disruptive emotions. The more you practice, the less reactive your amygdala becomes. And if you do get hijacked from time to time (and who does not?), you recover more quickly – the very definition of resilience.”

Of course, no amount of reading about mindfulness can replace experiencing it. Like strengthening a muscle, learning to play a musical instrument, or learning any new skill, we have to DO IT to feel the impact.

Try It! 

You can take baby steps to practice mindfulness. Choose one of the  practices below and try it for a week. Be curious, be consistent. Then try another practice for another week. Take what you like. Leave the rest. You can also do guided practices on my YouTube Channel. Go, try, subscribe.

Practice 1. Conscious Breathing:

At least once a day, take 3 conscious breaths – follow the inhalation in and the exhalation out. String three cycles of breath together. Try this at least once a day. You can link it to an everyday behavior, e.g., as you start your day, or lay down at night, or when you sit down to eat a meal.

Practice 2. Selective Attention: Every day, focus on one thing for a period of time (1, 5, 10, 15 minutes). It can be a simple task — responding to an email or text, talking with someone, taking a bite of food, walking. Focus, bring your attention to the task, stay with what you’re doing. Notice if there is a tendency to want to shift attention. When your attention does shift (and it will), kindly guide it back to the task at hand.

Practice 3: Notice Sensations in the Body: Our body is aware of things often before our consciousness is. So paying attention to sensations in the body is a way to connect to feelings, needs in the moment. Be aware of bodily sensations. Sensations can feel tight, warm, cool, pulsating, painful, pleasant, unpleasant. Notice, name it, allow it, let it go. You can identify a cue when you’re going to “tune in”, e.g., when you wake up in the morning, go to bed at night, get irritated or angry, sit down to eat, talk with a loved one, open your computer. As a result of what you notice, you may decide to take a walk, exercise, get some tea, redirect a conversation, rest. Listen with kind awareness.

***

 Guided practices on my YouTube Channel.