I spent a few weeks with my mother recently as she worked her way back from some health challenges. She also turned 98 during that time. Her determination, vulnerability, and vitality inspired me, as it has many times prior when she’s come back from serious health challenges and life changes. She is tender yet vital, vulnerable yet determined, and for the most part, lucid and playful.
I’ve watched her change, slow down, embrace a different way of life, and continue to thrive. Thankfully, aging happens gradually (if an illness doesn’t grab you and take you down) because getting old is not easy and we need time to adjust.
As the 6th of her 8 children, I’ve learned some key lessons from my mother – some she’s stated explicitly, though most I’ve gleaned by her behavior.
I’d like to share some of the key lessons I’ve learned from her. I hope they inspire you to some degree.
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Lesson 1: Letting Go
My mother is the 14th of 16 children. At 98 years old, she has done a lot of letting go. She has said goodbye to many loved ones – her husband, her oldest son, her parents, her siblings, and many, many other beloved family members and friends. In addition to letting go of people, she has had to let go of activities and ways of being, like driving and volunteering with a number of organizations.
Being with her recently in ICU, then in palliative care, we sat with uncertainty as to whether she was going to live or not. She was not, and is not, afraid to talk about death – the ultimate letting go. She made jokes along the way and cried as well. We’ve been at this juncture a number of times in the last nearly 10 years. We’ve said goodbye and shared our deep love and appreciation at those moments when life felt tentative. We continue to do so, knowing anything can happen at any time.
Being in her presence and caring for her at this tender time of life, I come closer to the reality of death – the fears, the challenges, the changing physical needs, the vulnerability, the softness, the humility, the unknowing. We all face the ultimate letting go, and can practice the little ways to let go along the way.
Lesson 2: Start the Day with Intention
Recently, after walking from her improvised “chapel” in her bedroom, she said with warm certainty, “Terre, it’s good to be quiet and pray first thing in the morning.” While prayer may not be your thing, anyone can start the day with quiet contemplation and focused intention.
I’ve watched my mom pray since I was a child and have seen how her spiritual life strengthens and comforts her. Since she can no longer drive to church every morning, she starts each day watching mass on her iPad. When I’m with her and she’s watching the mass, I sit alongside her in my own way, with a mindfulness practice that feeds me.
From watching her integrate prayer and spirituality into everyday life, I’ve learned the importance of creating a contemplative practice first thing in the morning to connect, reflect, give thanks, and prime myself for the day ahead.
Lesson 3: Be Kind
“We always strive to be clean on the outside, but we need to work to be clean on the inside”, she said to me recently. I asked what it looks like to be “clean on the inside.” “Be kind. Be kind to people,” she replied. So simple, but not always so easy.
She also gave me a personal note not to curse, adding, “When you feel like cursing, say ‘Help me Lord.’ While “Lord” may not resonate with everyone, and doesn’t with me, I substitute “love” and that seems to work. “Help me love.”
Lesson 4: Enjoy Life
My mother loves life and people. She’ll talk with nearly anyone and inquire sincerely about their wellbeing. She loves to laugh and usually has a joke prepared, or just a funny way of seeing life. She makes the nurses, doctors, friends and strangers smile or outright laugh.
She lives in Ohio, where I was raised. I’m in California now, where I’ve lived most of my adult life. We talk on the phone daily, and as we prepare to hang up, she says one or all of the following: “Enjoy life,” “God bless,” “Mama loves you,” “Bye for now.”
Lesson 5: Be Patient
She has patience down. Whether it was innate or something she cultivated by having 8 children, her patience is fully developed. When she used to drive us to appointments as kids, we’d often have to sit in the car or the lobby, waiting for one sibling or another. I never remember her complaining that she had to wait. In fact, she now reflects on those times with pleasure. We just found things to do as we waited.
Patience is not one of my strong suits. When I reflect on my impatience with her, I see that underneath my impatience is fear – fear that she can’t do what she used to and fear that I may not be there to help her when she needs it. I fear for her vulnerability. With that I take a deep breath, trust in what’s to come, knowing I’ve done and continue to do all I can.
Lesson 6: On Motherhood and Forgiveness
“I loved being a mother and I did my best. I’m sorry if I ever hurt you. I’m sorry for mistakes I made.” She readily admits ways in which she feels she “wasn’t perfect” as a mother, and how she would make some different choices in present day.
I remind her that perfection is overrated, and I also appreciate her apology.
Lesson 7: Lifelong learning
And last but not least, she reminds me of the importance of lifelong learning. She started playing the piano in her 80s, painting in her 90s, and she stays open to the many cultural changes she’s seen in nearly a century of life.
She is also a fan of my work (Bias? Yes, perhaps :)) and is always happy to try a meditation practice, with openness, curiosity, and encouragement.
She has said the following since I was very young: “You never stop learning until you rest your head on that satin pillow.” I hope to always try and expand my mind, be open to changes, and learn from what might initially worry or scare me.
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In Closing
I’ve heard most of my mom’s stories at this point, but when she is thinking of something and asks, “Have I ever told you this?” I say, “Perhaps,” (not always knowing what the “this” is) “but I’d love to hear it,” I add. I’m eager to hear her stories, watching her light up as she recounts parts of her long life.
We all have stories to tell. May you have the opportunity to tell yours. And may you take time to listen to the stories of others.
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Update, 2022
My dear mother, Peg (Augusta) Passero, passed away on May 19, 2022. She lived a vibrant, long and beautiful life full of love. We are beyond grateful for her and will always feel her in our lives, hold her in our hearts. Her obituary is here.
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